The Laws of the Universe
by killer cereal
Summary: Rachel wants to know why it is that Brittany never gets slushied. Glee club explains.


The Laws of the Universe

Happily ensconced in a daydream, it took Brittany a moment to realise someone was following her along the halls of McKinley High. She sped up her pace as she noticed someone attempt to fall into step alongside her.

"Slow down, I cant keep up!"

"That's the whole point."

Rachel just scurried faster to keep up with Brittany's leggy stride and eventually, after slowing down due to heavy hallway traffic, Brittany accepted the inevitable and allowed Rachel to walk with her and bask in her awesomeness. Maybe some of it would rub off on Rachel, or she'd absorb it by osmosis and perhaps not be so annoying as usual.

"So, Brittany. There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"Oh good, because there's something I've been meaning to ask you, too."

"There is?" Rachel looked pleased that someone was taking an interest in her.

"But to answer your question first because you asked first," Brittany continued. "Yes, Santana is bottom in bed."

"What? No! Oh god, my brain needs bleaching." Brittany's words seemed to sink in and Rachel's curiosity, or morbid nosiness, kicked in. "Wait, she is? Because I thought... Never mind. Where was I? Oh yes."

"Hold up! It's my turn to ask a question."

"It is?"

"Glad you agree. So, why are you a vegan? Cos you know, plants can feel pain too. There were scientific studies which found that plants actually emit high frequency alarms, kind of like screaming when they're cut open, much like a cow would I guess. And they can sense if something is about to harm them. Like you chewing on lettuce leaves. Those leaves can feel too."

Thankfully, for the duration of Brittany's question, they had stopped walking because judging from Rachel's 'what the actual fuck' look on her face she'd have walked smack into the lockers, or worse a group of vicious Cheerios, unsuspectingly and have had to suffer the consequences.

Before Rachel could even consider making a retort or squeaking a noise out of her gaping jaw there was a rush of air and then a resounding 'Splat!' Cold, sticky slushy dripped down her face and steadily made its way under the collar of her 1950's grandma blouse.

"Ouch," Brittany winced in sympathy.

"It's up my nose," Rachel heaved a strangled sob.

"We've got it!" Two members of the slushy aftermath retrieval squad swooped in on either side of Rachel and guided her to the girls bathroom.

Brittany watched on, her face unreadable, as Kurt and Mercedes lead Rachel past the the group of footballers who were responsible for the attack. Her jaw set determinedly as they laughed raucously at the blue coated girl.

* * *

><p>Mercedes chuckled, deep and long and hard. She wiped a tear away from off her cheek and shook her head as though attempting to regain her senses. "Hey Quinn!"<p>

Quinn looked up from her book. "Hmmm?"

"Rachel wants to know why Brittany's never been slushied before!"

Snorts of laughter filled the choir room and there were even some pitying looks aimed at Rachel. Quinn sighed deeply, closed her book with a thud and stood up, smoothing down her dress before walking over to the girls.

"I don't understand it though," Rachel said softly, aware something was going on and apparently that she was the only one who didnt know what it was. "I mean why me, why everyone, and not Brittany?"

"Rachel. Sit down and shut up. And then listen."

Quinn began to pace across the front of the choir room where the Glee club had begun to assemble, as though pondering deeply Rachel's query. "There are certain laws by which our universe is governed. Incontestable truths which should never be challenged. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

"Don't drink orange juice immediately after brushing," Puck shouted out.

Quinn nodded and looked around the room for another law.

"Only use spray paint in well ventilated areas."

"Thank you, Finn." Quinn accepted his answer as a good example.

"Learned that from experience did you?" Mercedes asked, and Finn sulked, looking as though he had wind.

"And never," said Quinn.

"Ever," Mercedes continued.

"Ever," added Puck, a shiver running down his spine at the thought.

"EVER," Tina shouted out loud, for once.

"Slushy Brittany!" the whole group, sans Rachel, chanted.

"I don't understand, but why?" Rachel whined.

"Why what, Bilbo?"

Rachel spun around on her heel to face the person who had just stepped into the room that second. "Ummm, why it is that Brittany is the only person in Glee club and probably the whole school to have never been slushied?"

Santana stared right into Rachel's soul, or so Rachel thought at that moment, while Brittany gracefully skipped past them humming to herself and sat down next to Blaine and began to try to knock his bow-tie lopsided.

"You ever hear where Santana got the nickname 'Satan' from?" Quinn asked softly from where she stood behind Rachel. "Why trade this much peace for that much war?"

Santana gave an aggressive finger flick in front of Rachel's nose, highly amused by how sharply the other girl flinched. "One: Brittany is fucking adorable and no one with a soul would ever think of slushying her. Have you ever seen her cry? It's like watching someone stab a puppy through the heart."

There was a murmur of assent around the room.

"Two," Santana took a menacing step towards Rachel and cracked her knuckles as she advanced. Rachel's eyes widened as the answer to her question became crystal clear.

"If anyone ever slushied her," Santana was almost stepping on Rachel's shiny shoes. "I would rip them from limb to limb and ram their arm so far down their throat they'd be tickling their breakfast. They'd be so damaged, their grandchildren would be born bruised. Comprende?"

Rachel nodded jerkily trying to move her head as fast as possible without getting whiplash.

"Now, what the actual hell are you wearing?" Santana took a step back as though taking in Rachel's appearance for the first time. "Is that blue/white marbling on your top? Or, oh god, is it tie dye?"

"I got slushied."

"Damn, sucks to be you." Santana sniffed, uninterested once more, and made her way over to sit next to Brittany.

"Oh, Rachel?" Brittany looked up from where she was putting Blaines bow-tie in her hair over to the blue tinged girl looking slightly shaken in front of them. Rachel looked up expecting some kind of put down or insult for asking such a stupid question. "Today in my Presidential meeting with Principal Figgins, I got him to put the price of slushies up to ten bucks each. That way only the rich kids can slushy you now."

Rachel smiled at her and tried to smooth her still slushy-sticky sweater. "Thank you Brittany. That's really very kind of you and pretty awesome too."

"I know." She nodded and shrugged then turned to her girlfriend. "Did you get my afternoon slushy?"

Santana uncrossed her legs and then crossed them again the opposite way, fidgeting uncomfortably, well aware of everyone's eyes upon them. "Well, that was what I was gonna say. Some joker put the price up so I... didn't get one."

Brittany pouted.

"Britt!" Santana whined and sighed. "Fine. I'll be right back."

* * *

><p><em>AN I quoted some Deadpool in here. Well, Quinn did. And some E. K. Gann  
><em>


End file.
